Feeling rather low today. I've been in here for a week and 3 days, with 2 weeks 6 days left to go. Not that the time I've been in here has seriously dragged or anything – it’s not been terrible, but it just sucks being in hospital when you don’t feel sick or bad in any way.
The only time I've felt ‘sick’ since the 21st August, when my initial bleed happened, was when they told me I’d have to come here to Hobart and I got anxious and upset. I've not had any pain at all and it feels so useless being here.
I may have said it before here, and I may have not, but up until this point in my pregnancy I've felt so strong and so empowered. Like nothing could stop me. Like, “Hey! I'm making a human! What’s YOUR super power?!”. I wrote about how I feel about becoming a mother, and that I'm so excited to be on this journey, and that it’s the most magnificent phase of my life, and that I'm looking forward to meeting this little person even though I already “know” her.
And it still is, and I still am excited to be on the journey – I can’t wait to meet this little girl whom I've been growing from a zygote to become this amazing, moving, living, breathing thing that I can hold, tangibly, and pour all my love, support, pride and affection into, to help her grow and become a contributing member of society.
But this occurrence feels like it’s taken a lot of the magic away – it’s made my pregnancy into a condition, not a miracle. It’s a plight, a reason for concern, not a magical experience. I feel less empowered and more out of control, I feel less strong and more helpless.
I know that in the larger scheme of things, four weeks won’t have seemed that long and it will all be worth it when this baby finally meets the big wide world, but for the moment, it's the longest four weeks of my life and I wish it would end.