So I felt the itch to blog today, and my current hosting on my main blog is down for whatever reason, so, nearly a year later, I am blogging right here again.
The last 10ish months have not been without drama - parenting two kids who were two under two for the majority of the last 10 months was no walk in the park. There have been moments of pure bliss (oh my god I got them to nap at the same time?!) to sheer frustration, to infuriating anger, to soulful tears, to absolute joy. It's a rollercoaster, let me tell you!
And I won't lie - I need to be real - there have absolutely been moments where I wanted just to get off the ride. I just wanted to put them in their rooms and walk out.The reality of parenthood is that you love and care *so* much for these little people that when they don't listen and they don't understand and they just cry all the dang time that you break down, because your love for them is so overwhelming and you don't get why they don't get it. Why can't you just sit and watch a movie?! Why can't you put your toys back in the box? Why can't you put your wet nappy in the bin rather than leave in the middle of the living room?
I believe I went through more than Baby Blues after having Emmett. I thought PND would be something that you would only get with a first baby. I believed that after having Lily, who was such a difficult baby who never slept, screamed a lot, cried a lot, that I could deal with anything this new kid could throw at me.
Instead, I was battling both of them. Emmett started off just perfect - he slept well, he woke just for feeds, was happy while awake, then slept again. Then came teeth, and he turned into a completely different child. Now I am lucky if I can get 2-3 hours sleep during the night without having him wake up. He's still a really happy little kid (until nap/sleep time or nappy changes), but he's obviously very different to what he was. Which is to be expected I guess.
So I did fall. I fell hard into (undiagnosed) late onset PND. I never saw a doctor, but I recognised what I was feeling as abnormal. Thoughts went through my head, wondering how my little family would cope with me were I not around. The amount of tears I have cried in the last 10 months is probably the most I have ever cried since I was a child myself. The amount of times I've been so, *so* close to snapping have been countless.
I'm out of that darkness now - well, mostly out, it's more just needing my eyes to see rather than a torch - and I'm coping better. I still have moment of what is, in hindsight, complete insanity and illogicalness, to coin a term, but I'm better than I was before.
My point in sharing this and being so candid is to be there with other mums going through the same thing and letting you know you are never alone in this. Speak to someone, get some guidance. Whatever you are doing, whichever way you're doing it, is amazing and just perfect the way it's being done.
Till next time,